An Engineer’s Diary..

 

Life of someone amongs’t you

MY LIFE

 

            Life’s so cruel. One wonders how much sorrow and disgust is in store for us. While living situations kills us but doesn’t take away life away from us.Jite ji maar dalti hai jindagi lekin jaan nahi leti. lagta hai kab is dukh ka ant hoga per naye-naye sadme deti hai jindagi. Hum jhel nahi pate per lagta hai is Brahmand ki tarah in sadmo ka bhi na koi aadi hai na ant hai, ye asimit hain.

As I stepped out of college, I was surrounded by my own ambitions and expectations of my elders to conquer the world through my talent, my potential and my aptitude. I knew that one should be realistic and that often one doesn’t get the desired. I also knew my main Aim-to serve humanity.

I cleared written of 5 very prestigious PSU exams within a span of six months-everything by grace of God but couldn’t go further. At last I got admission in MANIT-M-Tec. thorough my GATE score. I left that when I was selected in MPSEB. Initial 5.5 months of my training were blissful. Next 6 months of on job training were good. The same time my mother underwent operation and I could be of some help at this hour of need. After this my 10 days stay in JBP for final appraisal were again joyful.

Actually,by all this meant I deserved much more than what I got.Doesnt this happen with most of us.but its not so.read on

But I never had an inkling of things to come. I was never prepared to face the shock I was to receive. It was not as if I hadn’t experienced sorrow before. I had experienced n number of times but God had always seen me through. I was very sensitive from the beginning but these happenings-I couldn’t assimilate them. They were just too much for me. I was posted to a certain Dn. where I faced a boss whom many, in-fact most would have adjusted with. I couldn’t as I was too humble (my short coming). Again with God’s infinite grace, I was transferred to a department with comfortable working. But I had dwelled deep into my cocoon and couldn’t come out of my apparent sorrow.

Problem is this- I am too exhausted to face any more problems. I am too tired. I wonder what I’ll do in future when I have run out of steam so early.

But my strength-my Lord will take care of me and everything He has done now till now He will do in future. Often I have to suffer as I do not compromise on my steel strong principles. My principles-very simple. They are based on our Indian tradition and values. I strongly recommend that one should go to any extent to safeguard them. God helps you at every stage to do this. He may not fulfill your desires, He may not give fruits of your hard-work, He may not give what appears as though you deserve. But believe Him, Trust Him, have faith in Him, He stands like an iron pillar to safeguard our principles when ever they are at stake.

I was very talkative in my childhood but never-the-less one of the best kids in my class. I was very good in my studies. I Owe this all to my mother.

Everything was okay till the end of middle school except a few minor hiccups. As I entered High School, my grades dropped. But due to my past record and sincerity, it was expected of me that nothing less then admission in an IIT’d suffice.

My 10th board results were good (Honors). I went to IIT coaching in 11th. In 12th my siblings and parents pulled me from IIT coaching and admitted me to state PET coaching after analyzing my performance in 11th. It was hard for me to assimilate this and I went into stress for the 1st time.

I had expected at-least a seat in the best college of my state . I could get only civil which I left and opted for GEC-EX instead.

 

My parents made me opt for govt. institute coz it was a view my parents had that govt. institute was usually the best as far as overall scenario is concerned.but it was the beginning of my troublesome life,coz 1st year was okay without any conveyance problem.In 2nd year students said they’ll come by their own vehicle coz it provides them more freedom as far as bunking classes is concerned.but it was very disturbing for me coz I dearly needed a bus to ferry me to my college which was 22 km away from my home.so a van was hired which’d ferry 6 girls to &from college.but this was no easy thing.for the 1st time in my life I was required to decide on timings for all & manage the whole process.the van unlike bus had to take each one from her house & drop her in the same sequence as that while picking. There were verbal confrontations with the van  driver everyday by one or the other & though they(my colleagues)didn’t say this directly they meant that whole trouble was due to me coz I was very anxious to reach college by van if not bus. That was the first time when I felt I was too exhausted to pay heed to everyone.

In the beginning of third year, two challenges confronted me. Van couldn’t be continued, my father was transferred to some other place. Again God gave me the strength. I was left with no other option but to drive.

I feel most of you are having similar experiences and are having butterflies in your stomach to let them free. So what are you waiting for. Pen down your feelings, your experience.

 

 

In the beginning of our struggle in life we  are all very fresh ready to take on the world oblivious   of the problems,hurdles ahead.

 

When the sorrow becomes too much to bear ;its not as if we haven’t experienced it before-Let’s look at this life from another angle. dont worry,we’ll reach at same point

 

A girl was born in a middle class family .Parents had 2 children –a boy & a girl.She was  the third one.

As she grew up,she  was very talkative & very (unafraid ).She didn’t fear anyone .She was apple of  her mother’s eye.During 2 months summer vacations,the mother along with her children moved to their native place i.e. where their ( children’s) grandparents lived.1 month at their paternal grandparents place and 1 month at their maternal .

Time went by,the siblings were good at  school.Emma was particularly excellent  till the end of her middle school .At high school,her grades dropped. Nevertheless keeping her past record & sincerity in view ,nothing less than a seat in IIT would suffice.It was expected of her and she felt the same .But as time passed by,the talkative nidar girl was replaced by  a timid,(very less talking )girl.

As she entered college,her less talking behavior was prominent. Nevertheless, she was friends with everyone.and barring a few hostile pals- they later yielded to her humility-all liked her particularly due to her –not too frequently found nowadays -sincere humbleness. She was too modest-not a very nice thing to be possessed for a successful  and practical living.

As days went ,years passed,her well known interest in studies was replaced by reluctance-then a firm no . Nevertheless ,she was good at studies in college.As she passed from college(BE) ;she being an engineer in Electrical and Electronics,tried to get into PSUs She even cleared written of nearly ½ a dozen within a short time span-all by grace of God

She always  knew the ephemeral nature of life and the materialistic aspect being very dominant today.She was against  all this but found herself being forced to  follow this in her life.She had very  keen  interest in scriptures and had read  in them about the balance one must bring in one’s life regarding material and spiritual aspects and wanted to see   for herself how to live satisfactorily.

But how much she wanted to –the circumstances were neither favorable nor hostile-she couldn’t keep check on herself and went into gloom which had no particular reason whatsoever.Actually,she was an artist(she pursued a very successful painting course for 6 years 2 years music & 1 year Bharatnatyam while in school)but cudnt continue further because a career in these is very difficult if not impossible to pursue.

Once in job ,she underwent  5 months classroom training where her timid nature took over.One reason which is not very  obvious but still relevant was that she was one of the youngest among her cotrainess. The other reason was that she was extremely conscious of what others think of her.-result she hardly  talked to her cotrainees-especially   of opposite gender.But once asked to speak in front of the class-the confidence with  which she spoke –Made not only her cotrainess but also her teachers-from 2 of best institutes for training of engineers and managers-admire her.

She could easily have been subject of envy  by her peers but for her humility –she was too humble. Few of her friends even took upon themselves the task to make her less modest.more outspoken by the end of her training.

As she was posted in job she became more & more unsatisfied with her life.God had given her everything so early in life, still she was utterly unhappy.

Actually she was not at all prepared for job.Till now she was preoccupied only by her course studies & some household work; but she had read a lot of religious material which helped her all these years to soothen her nerves.

She was all too self effacing .she tried to be contented by self ,not let outside world affect her.But the opposite happened-she was forced by circumstances to be engulfed in mad race-I’d like to mention some of her own lines.

 

 

 

  • During its preliminary stage or u can say childhood, like a river flows very freely down steep slopes , unaware or uncared for journey ahead , my early days were also very free-unaware of the challenges ahead.

During my high school & college days , I faced some hurdles , obstacles in my journey-very similar to the meandering river course during the mid journey of river

 

Now I’m very sure that I’ve entered final stage of my life’s journey similar to Delta formation by river during its final course when volume of water in river increases manifold , it overflows & the river  can no longer hold itself anymore;I’m or u can say my life is in delta formation stage.I can no longer hold my life together.My emotions,problems,feelings are overflowing.

Now I just need to have lot of patience , need to hold myself –obviously by God’s grace His power-& refrain myself from yielding to my apparent problems coz if at this stage of my life when I’ve almost reached my Goal like a river has almost reached the ocean-her goal-if I yield to unnecessary , insignificant pressures ; the work of my God,my life’s journey’ll be lost.

No doubt I’ll reach the ocean then also,but there’ll be waves in it & I’ll remain confined to its shores-wont be able to reach its calm middle.

 

 

  • We’re told to become independent & we strive to become one.but when we become independent materialistically , we find that we’ve become more dependent mentally than ever.Its my experience.I was groomed by my parents and siblings to become independent in life, to stand on my own feet.They were successful as far as materialistic independency is concerned .But within myself I began to hate my life.People-my neighbors ,my relatives , my peers thought & said nothing better cud happen with my life but deep within , I dreaded every day of my life-I wont say every moment or hour coz sometimes I was really on cloud nine though apparent

 

  • Life’s a crucible where we like raw earthen pots are moulded, baked & made strong enough to face the forthcoming challenges

As she entered job life,she started to get some free time which she spent either by talking to friends or by watching TV,or contemplating how to be happy,how to live life in a constructive way, how to bring balance in her life which seemed far from reality coz she had her own world of fantasies ,her notion of life,true happiness clashed with that of the family’s & society  in which she lived.they were very right at there place—anybody in this society would try to lead their ward into the well followed path,the tried & tested path which is well known,well respected.

What scarcity of sorrow do I’ve that God is giving me more of it.&look at me –I continue to live as tho everthing is okay.what else can I do?I don’t know how many more defeats do I’ve to face.i don’t know what price do I’ve to pay for being so good,so nice,so sweet.I don’t know ,I’m fedup of myself,my life.I don’t know what God has in store for me.I know he has the best for me but ……

However & whatever favourable or unfavourable circumstances maybe,my spring of gloom continues to stretch.I think there’ll be some limit—when my end’ll come.I know its not far away.

Sometimes I feel that as God has given me so much so early in life ,hence I’m suffering so much for no apparent reason whatsoever.I just clang onto one or the other petty issues which are just unavoidable in life.& keep on sulking over it,go down deeper & deeper into gloom & wonder how to live further coz frankly speaking I don’t have the courage to commit suicide tho my mental state is very conducive to it now.

 

The moment I feel I can swallow or continue with present state of affairs,something or the other happens which force me to go back to my gloom

Problem is that my problems are very subtle or imperceptible.My life has become caustic for me,repugnant-I mean what I want is contradictory to what I do.

 

6/12/2008

Till now I’ve been very upset & asking God why this happens & He should call me.I cant take this anymore.But I don’t know why,He’s hellbent on improving me.Today,I feel utterly unsatisfied-I mean I wonder where I’m heading to,going to& I know I’m doing what I don’t want.God has been too kind –He has given me least worst of all jobs  & fame to my family due to me which I don’t deserve at all.and see the result-I don’t stop complaining coz I don’t find anything worth living in life still I live & live-Iwonder why & the most I fear today is my future-my entering into wedlock coz I feel it is the root cause of all problems

 

22/12/2008

OLord,give me peace.I can stand it no longer.Even tho u r the doer , v r merely your agents, its too much for me now ,I’m too tired.give me rest-eternal,lasting,pure bliss;even though I don’t deserve it but relieve me from this world.please I beg

 

23/12/2008

God’s ways are really very mysterious ,unpredictable.You just need to leave yourself in His hands,then just be a witness  to your life coz your life is not yours,its His.He has all power to mould it the way He wants.

 

3/01/2009

On 31st  Dec 2008 my scooty skidded ;my left cheek was bruised-it bore the brunt of the skid.My routine had taken some shape 20 days before. it was not as if I had not drove before.it was just that something untoward (perhaps for those around me, not for me)had to happen & this was precursor to it.In a way this summarized my year this was the worst year of my life & I wish none ever faces such circumstances in one’s life. My family was concerned about the scar the wound would leave on my spotless face-but I was unable to remove the innumerable scars on my psychology my mental life. My family was very keen to put braces on my teeth after getting few of them removed. I mean everyone was keen to turn me into a perfect package-very obvious. but no one- I cant say anything about my Lord –was concerned about me-my soul. I was bleeding within myself .this is not my condition of one day or one month or one year

 

4/01/2009

Life is very unfair.I do not say God is not fair, infact it is His fairness which gives us strength to live in this unfair world.but now I wish to join you Lord over there.I cant continue here anymore.just give me peace forever.I have received more than my share here & I ought to have returned to this world but I just cant continue living.Suddenly life has lost its meaning for me.But perhaps I’m wrong;coz life is given to me to chastise myself,though O Lord you know that I’m yours but you want me to be perfect;which I thought I shall attain in this life but Lord I’ve lost my zeal to live in want of that perfection & now I just want my end

perhaps,this all is happening so that I may realize true meaning of life ,i.e.my true aim-self realization.Till now I used to study only in religious books that Human Birth is an opportunity  to redeem ourselves of our past mistakes and stop this process of rebirth. Now I’m so disgusted with life(even though I’ve achieved every desired thing in life-for a girl of my age) that I practically feel that I must now pull-up my socks and go all out to stop this process of rebirth,life is a constantly growing phenomenon & a point comes in everyone’s life when one is forced to face this eternal truth.We,ve read or listened n no of times that life is a water bubble that may burst anytime;so instead of ruing over the intricacies of life we must realize that if we are living why not make the best of it & try to bring peace in ours & in the life of our near & dear ones;coz peace is everything –it is happiness,satisfaction & end of all desires .Desires are root cause of all problems in life-we read this in philosophical books-but this is very true infact earlier one realizes this the better.I’ve  been very fortunate on this count,coz the unhappiness,dissatisfaction in my life has forced me to realize this-all this due to divine grace.you see when life loses its meaning,purpose-that’s the time to rejoice coz only then we realize true purpose of life i.e.self realization.its true we want to help others coz it’s the best way to live but we don’t know how?so I tell u one thing-start from ur home.give max possible to ur family withoutexpecting anything in return not even acknowledgement then ask God to guide you ,show u the way to proceed-u see lot of frustration,irritation is inbuilt in this path but the peace in the end is worth this all.He guides,& not only this but also does everything for you.People say God helps them those help themselves,its true but the dmoment u surrender urself to Him,He takes care of u as noone else can &u can share ur secrets with Him without the fear of letting them known.He does not let u sit idle .Its true that stars and planets play a very important role in deciding one’s destiny & even moodswings depend on their respective position but who regulates these stars & planets-God & if you give urself to Him u life is regulated by Him & the impact of stars and planets tend to diminish .Just chant His name without even focusing on Him & He’ll deliver u of all ur troubles though initially this is not very obvious .

 

When u cant continue to live anymore u are too much rooted to ur values that u cant compromise on them.Life becomes too thorny to walk on ,ask God to show u the way out.Life appears too gloomy to moves on,too heavy to carry forward,just let life unfold itself at its own pace,flow with the wind,tide.Life is a paradoxit is full of opposing things –the sooner this dwells upon you the better

 

25/02/2009

How much alone we are in this crowded world.why I’mbeing dragged into this never ending circle.but no I’ll be myself.actually, I’ll’ve to earn my right to salvation.of course,Lord is ever ready to be the doer but He has given me the chance to earn it.

Why has life brought me to this junction.I wonder but get no answer.people say that life that life takes your test.but this test which I’m undergoing right now-I had not prepared myself for it.even for extempore speech delivery one goes through current happenings,rehearses for a few topics and so on.but here see-I’m left in the midst of fierce battlefield without my gandeev -yes my Sarathi is Shri Krishna but I cant even see Him.leave alone getting my doubts cleared.I don’t know where I’m heading to.My life is a question in itself without any answer.the more I plead for peace the further peace goes away from me’.I want to be happy for my near & dear ones but happiness is perhaps a synonymn for sadness for me.the earlier I accept this the better .I feel I must’ve committed too many sins in my previous birth –harvest of those blunders is ready now & I’m receiving that only.it appears to be of diamond from a distance,of gold to a bit nearer ones,of bronze to my family but I’m burning in this cruel fire;perhaps this way God is purifying me.You know why I’m facing so much of problem-coz I’m like a river trying to reach my destiny i.e. ocean but I’ve to cross fire.I know my end’ll be peacefull but O God don’t let anyone else follow my path coz its too dreadful.OMyLOrd give peace I cant bear this even if u r the player & I’m the spectator.

 

Life has become a joke or so one must feel if times are totally against us.coz this is  the only way one can keep one aloof.but our life is too serious for us totake it as a joke.take today for instance-I’ve been suddenly given the charge of a very senior officer who has been transferred somewhere else.I don’t know why this happens with me-but since 5 months my department-I mean the whole establishment was to be shifted to some other office nevertheless in the same campus.to the place where the only officer of my establishment worked and had been transferred and whose work I was looking after.oh my God,I had to go here & there –Ioverheard someone say that it seems she is shifting the whole department.I had to look after my work too which for experienced person was like nothing but I just cudnt get what I had to do actually.with all sorts of people I asked how what .still theree was no respite.I ended up being neither officer neither staff.I’m totally out of sorts in this confusing world.still I had lot of good people around me .most of the officers and staff liked me for my innocenceand also coz each one could see their near or dearone in me

 

Today again I was in the midst of total chaos.O my Lord I cried so bitterly for perhaps 2nd time in the office.how long this night will extend I wonder but it’ll give way to a beautiful,serene,peaceful morning.we wonder why we are made to,rather forced to face such situations,rather handle them when we are totally incompetent to manage them-but one argument answer our query-in future perhaps more tough times await us so these very harsh moments’ll support us I mean these very solid moments’ll make us think that if overcame those tough moments at tender age-this very thought’ll give us strength to overcome our present troubles.

 

Life is very mysterious.we are just unable to understand it.take today for example-I’ve been suddenly given too much of responsibility-not because I deserve it but because I’m the only option for my officers.at the same time shifting has taken place in my workplace. I’m totally disturbed.this shifting was on the cards since last 5 months but when I was to take independent charge this shifting took place-result I was too mentally &psychologically exhausted , stressed out leading to my first attack of allergy due to stress.still God gave me certain precious moments .

 

When we study,go to school,then to college we face exams once a while.but when we enter life-which for me started only as I became regular in job -we ‘ve to face test everyday irrespective whether we are prepared or not.and we’re expected to come out  each time.in flying colors.IMPOSSIBLE.I mean maybe we are greatest critics so we expect ourselves to be perfect.its in want of this perfection that we got human life and we need to make the best of it tojustify HIS decision to grant us humn birth.when at college and training I had read about the value of human life,self control & practiced it too-I mean I practiced great self restrained while dealing with my classmates especially of opposite sex for which I earned their respect too,so I began thinking that I learned the nuances of life  so I can adjust anywhere & that I can melt anyone however tough he/she may be with my humbleness.but I said earlier too & I’m repeating thisagain that I was too receive my first shock in job-and this made me learn that though this was not what I wanted-this ‘ll make me realize my goali.e.living in this materialistic life I need to remain aloof of everything.

 

People say that todays youth don’t have any significance for our values and traditions but its not so;life today has become so complex and its so difficult to remain happy and appear happy at the same time that some values are forsaken initially at the cost of seeing our near & dear ones happy & if once your feet slip off then they keep on slipping away.The youth today are as aware of their responsibility towards keeping our traditions alive as our previous generations.

 

O Lord when’ll this all end.Icant take this anymore.U say & I believe very honestly that u r the doer ,we r just  agents.problem is that we relate ourselves with the body.but what is our fault in this?O Lord’please come & do something.things r getting out off control.everything is being misplaced & mismanaged.we know the correct place but things are so obscure that they overshadow whatever feeble light is there.Please God show us the enlightened path.