Rise from my own Ashes

Suddenly turn of events take place in such a way that it appears prudent to keep my troubles with me only coz no one can do anything to evade them but its also true that tides occur in oceans and large seas not in ponds or lakes so when troubles appears too much & even divine help seems to be of no solace its those very arms (divine arms) which carry us through these unbearable times. Also we are very special so such huge problems confront us.

What is need of hour is that we need to realize we are different from everyone else & that no doubt we may have common idols, common principles our life cant be like anyone else’s. Each one of us has to tread a new path.there will be junctions, overlappings too but the path which we’ve to tread is totally unknown to not only us but also to our near & dear ones who actually get affected when we are down.

The requirement is we need to tightly hold to His feet & when this hold starts to loosen up coz it becomes to even place faith at times of utter disappointment, what we need is to ask Him

Its similar to when parts of a tree are pruned so that it may grow in a better way God through troubles prune us so that we may grow more,more effectively,more efficiently.we see less deserving people get what we deserve very rightly &this is acknowledged by them too but ultimately we are termed loser because it is the end result that matters not whether one is deserving or not.But maybe & this comes true most of the times that we deserve much more than we think & in the end we get that what we deserve not what we want.This is something we all know & we often give solace to our friends mentioning this to them when they meet repeated failure ,but when we get something which seem too insignificant in front of so called what we deserve ,we don’t apply this fact to our lives. Its tough, very tough to meet repeated failures but believe Him, He has really ,really something better for us.

We need to’ve lots & lots of patience to keep moving in a direction which we dislike but the goal is something which promises to overcome all our troubles.the point is we need to vie for that is eternal not just for temporal pleasures’

Sometime ago I was very down & I used to prop myself by saying to myself that like a phoenix(a bird)I shall also rise from my own ashes

Life makes us endure such situations which no one has imagined in wildest dreams.sometimes I feel & I know that what is happening is Blessing in Disguise for me.its like

But ultimately it sinks in your deep thought process that whatever is happening is to teach you something.till now I  had bookish knowledge, Ino doubt handled situations once in a while with great tact but still I had to learn a lot when it came to face hostile conditions.and life was teaching me exactly that .if I had to judge myself when it came to see where I stand  in terms of worldly matters then I’m in kindergarten.so how can my life end without teaching me?I’ve to learn lot many tacts in life’s university where daily a test is conducted.

But my problem is I’m too tired in kindergarten  itself

There’s always a better or different way of doing things-big or small and life is constant process of this discovery and in this journey we undergo through innumerable pleasant & unpleasant situations.this time for me my difficult patch has extended far too much & I’m unable to stand firmly on the ground,my feet are getting thrust inward the earth wet by my apparent sorrow.then one fine morning something favourable happens & I find my feet firmly on ground .its then when I think that now I must prepare myself to fight with circumstances to save myself from falling into gloom again.But soon I realize that one must not fight –specially someone like me who’s too sensitive-one who cant take smallest wound without crying.Its like trying to separate water in 2 parts by hitting it with a stick.

So we must not fight with situations instead let them go & try to maintain our balance .actually these same words I had practiced for my interview preparation i.e. if asked about my positives I’d say that I do not loose my poise in hostile situations & see here I’m totally bowled out when I really faced these hostile situations but see how well these situations’ve taught me in life which no teacher can teach in a classroom or anywhere for that matter .I’ve emerged a much stronger person than I was before even in the starting of this book

Life is considered a paradox.till now this was just a bookish term for me used by philosophical people.but I now realize how true there are.life is literally a paradox.I’m saying this coz I’m being forced to live a life which is just opposite to my nature .I don’t know how long I can continue like this or more specific I wonder how long God’ll make me live like this.each day has really become a challenge.no one is to blamed for this .infact my life till now is something which is envied by many & they admire my life but only I & my Lord know suffocating,difficult my life has become. infact I don’t’ve words to give true term to what my life has become.

Actually according to my religion, whatever  difficulties we face in our life are due to our past misdeeds, I mean the sins we’ve committed in our previous births form our destiny in our present birth & no one can escape from one’s destiny this I don’t say from my own experience alone but the fate of my near & dear ones, my friends, my relatives from my generation & previous generations. YES one can pray to God (& He Surely responds indirectly) to moderate the intensity of our sufferings .By stating this I mean to say we cant blame any one for our present tough times they are result of our past misdeeds. One  must hence do one’s best to not let this happen again i.e.one must go all out to make the best of this birth

No one seems to understand but I again insist that writing one’s feelings-I know one cant express oneself fully-but to whatever extend one can perceive oneself & jot this on blank

the fruits are ripen by carbide,but they don’t taste as delicious as when they get ripen naturally.similar is my plight right now.those who see me troubled say that

He just cant see you very down. its more difficult for Him than anyone to see you down.just remember Him every moment.

Today my mom along with my siblings’re not at home with me & I CUDN’T GO COZ MY           HELLish job didn’t permitted.I cant stop asking God when’ll he give me freedom from this world .I’m so down,I don’t know what to do,I dread going to that office again & here I’m-not with my family coz of this job.its not impossible infact many envy my position coz I’ve got so much so early even at my workplace but this thing pricks me every moment as if I’ve needles all over my body –no no physical pain is something I’m unaware of but this is something I just cant bear still I’ve to  come whatever may.but God please show some mercy give me peace,take me away from this difficult world. atleast give me some indication as to when I’ll rest in peace.perhaps this is of no use but maybe this’ll give me some respite from this acute,unbearable torture.Please GOD do something.do something.I watch Mahabharat-the epic nowadays on TV & that gives me some solace for a moment that good had to suffer a lot but if u r at right path God’ll save you ultimately come whatever may-even if that means compromising on principles for the sake of saving you from evil.

I’m at loss what to do with this life. Today one of my friends told me that people of my age can ‘ve just 2 problems in life & I don’t’ve either of the 2 so I must be very happy but the contradictory is happening-I’m becoming more & more sad but my faith in God is becoming stronger with each passing hour.no amount of worship can strengthen your faith in God as much as the troubles you face in your life-the more cruel the more disgusting life becomes more deeply more strongly you remember Him & God delivers you of all your miseries.actually He is just testing you.Ever seen any teacher or invigilator helping a student to answer questions in exam-sounds blasphemous na but this is what happening actually-our exams in life becomes more & more stringent perhaps out of this world but He actually answers our questions in life’its we who are unable to read them perhaps coz we dwell too deep into our self imposed cocoons & are unable to see light at the end of tunnel whereas we are in the midst of light.

Today is the start of new year as per our religious calendar but the magnitude of my gloom has broken all past records I mean today I’m down again as never before. I don’t know how to move forward coz situations at my workplace are hell-bent on trying to drag me backwards but you see the more hostile the conditions are,the more trying the situations are,God is more determined to prove them wrong in front of you, just’ve unshakable faith in Lord;perhaps God thru trying situations is testing your faith in Him. So wakeup dude!   Leave everything on Him & you just need to remember Him each moment,rest He’ll take care of everything

My friends very few infact so few they can be counted on fingers of single hand.sometimes one or the other prevent me from going into deep depression.They ask me to enjoy life Isay enjoyment is not meant for me,they ask why I say circumstances don’t permit me to enjoy life also when I know that no enjoyment is permanent that why I shud not prevent myself from pleasures of life when I know they are just like water-bubble .but they say &they are right to some extend that one shud try to extract pleasures from life with being within our limitations coz life is beautiful dude.at every utterance by my family members or even my friends I counter

Like in any sport team we need to’ve perfect blend of  youth & experience,similarly I feel right now I’m going through this wonderful stage whereby I’ve perfect blend of childish innocence ,hardly some but still valuable experience of outer world-how cruel people can be

Today someone who is in 1st year BE came to our house & I was again filled with thoughts of myself when I was in BE 1st year & how enthusiastic I was in that stage-ready to conquer the world but what I’m now-so tired,so exhausted but still I wonder What Lord hwants from me that he is letting me face the cruel side of world-the rough,harsh side.sometime back-I mean 3-4 months ago I felt these circumstances in my life’ll perhaps make me harsh,rough-something bereft of my innocent self-but u know what I feel now-these situations in my life are teaching me how tobring balance in my personal(family) & professional life

Today was again very vibrant day of my life but which again reminded me of my timidness.Actually I treat all elders with same respect & I’m scared by all in same measure .I was just left crying & crying for being so much engulfed by my family & job.My life became suffocating though I was not short of breath.on the contrary I was left taking deep sighs.but Lords ways u see are very confusing. I had saved few movies on my laptop about 1 & ½ months back,but I never had the time in the world to watch 1-2 realistic movies.just when I was surrounded by failure on life’s front today(keep in mind I was very successful materialistically)I was compelled by divine force to watch these 2 movies-1 very realistic,&other very inspiring,motivating.u see I like or love those movies which sometimes don’t fare well on box office but this happens with all of us isn’t it.

So I was saying I watched very inspiring movie & as happens with all of us after watching an inspiring ,motivating movie;my young blood started to boil & I said to myself(I had said this to myself previously too n no. of times)no more timidness I need to harness this overwhelming energy of my hot blood constructively & I need to implement this at my workplace-even if this means saying a few tough words to my seniors who are mostly of my father’s age

We need to do this.So what if we cant change the system ,we can atleast change ourselves –we need to shed our inhibitions which prevent us from uttering a few loud,harsh but true words in our   workplace.Actually the case with me is that I want to be good with everyone & I had been successful thus far but I need to realize that the  sooner I shed this conception of mine, the better coz u cant do 2 things at the same time i. e. being good to everyone & live your steel strong principles.only one thing happens then-your life becomes miserable,impossible to move on-result u drag urself with life-but someday or other it dwells on u that u cant continue anymore-u ask for strength from Lord-but u feel as tho He too helps only those who are confident on themselves & those who help themselves.Now He  makes His next dashing move—-u get lots of unseen energy from somewhere & u begin to teach urself—this is the most valuable thing in one’s life-when one becomes ones own teacher-u begin to wonder how to prove urself to urself coz we need to prove ourselves to ourselves not to world-when we

Now comes the time when I realize that its challenge how to stay aloof from all what is happening around me i.e. obviously I cant or for that matter rarely anyone gets what he or she wants.people say do whatever you can to get what you want else you’ll be forced to like what you get but its not so coz we cant change our destiny-yes we can shape it to suit what we feel is right I mean our destiny is pre-decided but we can modify ourselves I mean on our solid base which our elders shaped .it is said students need more concentration power as they’ve lot to study & also to qualify exams while adults or those who work can do away even if their focus is feeble.but its not so coz we need to be very focused every moment in our life so that we do not falter not in others eye but in our eye.we need to be focused on our ultimate aim,so that our principles,our values do not get compromised, we need to be focused so that we at least stay where we were not let ourselves be dragged behind no matter how much this cruel world or unfavorable circumstances be. when favorable conditions arrive we need to move ahead from where we left. This life is like any sport like say for eg. cricket-you play the ball on its merit –you shove away the bouncers or tough balls –u need to keep urself  alive at the crease-doesn’t that need immense concentration?& the need of the hour is we need to keep our mind-body fit no matter how down life tries to drag us,coz then only proper coordination of mind & body can result so that we save our wicket & our stay at crease continues.

But sometimes I loose patience like today –I just could not carry anymore –I felt like my blood was boiling not because of any untoward incident but because of the utter un-satisfaction in my life  .It is the case with all of us.Only difference is I’ve become so impatient,so unsatisfied by my life,but this is essential for a fulfilling life-u need to be always unsatisfied with your present state-then only you’ll try to bring changes to your life for the betterment of yourself & others at a larger scale coz however cruel this world maybe due to some unpleasant characters but the real satisfaction in life lies in being of some help to the needy.you want to do something for this world,try to make it a better place to live in , but the cruelty ,the people make your life miserable & you cant complain coz as such you are in well-to-do position  .these people  tell you how to live in this unfair world. I had read in religious books & implemented lot many things but I find going away from this particular teaching-try to see God in everyone .as we step  more outside in world, we find people are desperate to see you slogging without any rewards-I mean leave alone appreciation for your good work-they wont remember your good work instead if by mistake you commit one fault however small it is they would banish you. &when you expect help from them coz they’ve also undergone such situations when they were new, they’ll avoid you so tactfully that you are left admiring them-I mean how cud they do this so effectively .how can then we see God in someone like them? you are forced to learn these unfair tactics. These people have shown me the world at such a young age .Even they were very innocent,blank when they stepped outside & they perhaps cud’ve helped me had they not been blinded by this world

I think this is good for me for my future life & also when I stepped into this outside world I was an unwritten book just like when a bride enters her in-laws house she is  an open book-you can mould her according to her new house,the new culture.

At times I feel that perhaps life is in a hurry to teach me lot of things-how cruel this world is-how selfish people are-how to deal with difficult people.I hadd thought that like it had happened till now that people usually were easy going if one was very polite & gentle with them-even if they said unpleasant words behind but they were very favourable in front & this is what matters

I rarely talk to my relatives but few days back it just happened that I had to speak to one of them-one of my uncles-he asked me if I was happy,satisfied with my job-I said we are to discover this satisfaction & our is in search of this.I don’t know in what sense he took my answer –sane or insane.I’m saying this coz when I told my family members about this(my conversation with my uncle)they took this as if I said very childish statement..yes I’m still their smallest member but actually this is true-don’t we spent our whole life in search of that satisfaction which is eternal.

Its when you are surrounded by most gloomy of conditions ,the best comes out of you.initially it feels like you cannot continue anymore tho deep within you know that you have to go on & on. when it feels like world comes crashing down,that’s exactly when God intervenes to tell something,& you realize that it only when you venture in deep seas do you realize how deep the waters are. its only then that you can confidently decide which direction to take-whether to go further or be at same level or as in my case change your direction-I mean  don’t want to be at same level,nor do I want to go further in same direction deeper waters.See right now I’M IN A Govt. job which is secure ,very much secure so naturally I would try to go for the most prestigious of jobs in India-the civil services.initially I was very enthusiastic to prepare for them but feeling the unnecessary pressure at my workplace I decided to go for MBA instead,from topmost institutes coz that only would have done justice to my leaving a secure Govt. job.perhaps I was destined for it.

My life-I’m disgusted with it .its like bone stuck in your throat-you can neither throw it out nor can you swallow it.one day I’m reluctantly trying to gather myself & trying to come to terms with my life & preparing myself to fight with this unjust,cruel world;the other day I ‘m so down that I fear how to move forward;how to take my next breath.its like if my breath was to somee extent in my conteol I’d’ve stopped breathing coz I’m desperate to end my life.i’ve many options but I cant

Its like one day I feel that people’ve activated the dormant volcano in me

Its like I feel that I’m  like this earth which looks cool &contented from outside but very disturbed inside having molten lava

In difficult times ,v must be as introvert as possible,I mean we must try to cover  our personality to the maximum extent possible(which may keep us sane-I’m saying this coz we need to share ourselves to some extend).this is similar to the scenario when you spread a big piece of cloth for drying in the sun,but if it is windy then  the piece shrinks itself & wraps itself around the clip which you’ve attached to prevent it from flying else it either is blown with wind or drops to the ground

I don’t know how to survive. I was dejected last year but this year I cant summarize my plight.I cant express how low I feel,how much short of confidence

18.12.2009

When we think we cant take it anymore a new problem arises.like when I was in purchase I often argued with my bosses when they crossed the limit,I got fed up with purchase & just then Lord transferred me to works section.Anew problem arose-here my superiors were well natured & this was my prob

The more problematic life appears to be,the more higher goal goal Lord has set for us.only we are not able to orient ourselves.but nothing to worry coz like Pole star guides ships towards their destination similarly some unknown force leads us even tho we are unable to recognize Him & life seems totally out of control,unmanageable,have faith in Him He’ll pull us out of rough waters.the more difficult time is,we need to keep more restraint & not let ourselves from getting ourselves into cocoon of sadness,we need to remember that   we are His Masterpieces & it akes times for a lump of soil to be moulded into beautiful & strong pot..then we are living miracles,so let time take its course to make us into wonders………..what’s the deal if things go as predicted with some disappointments here & there? Even diamond has to go through cutting before final .So more hardships means more importance being added to our stature.

Sometimes we feel that the whole world is against us and it’s the sajish of fate to make us suffer,but we forget that evergreen saying-whatever happens is for our good however harsh it may seem in the beginning.If we remember these words,no question of unnecessary sorrow arises.to some extent stress is beneficial as without it we cant satisfy our obligations but beyond a limit if it occurs then we need to self-contemplate,why this is happening-problem is with our attitude,we need to change it.Like we change clothes,situations also change and the earlier we accept the change,the better.Like when we physically grew up during childhood and adolescence, we had to discard even those dresses which were good because they were just too short for us ,similarly now,situations arise which don’t appear so good initially but are essential for our growth-maybe mental or spiritual or whatever one may perceive . I know being a girl that girls are more sensitive and however hard we try we cant prevent ourselves from getting emotionally attached to our workplace and transfer from it or shifting can be mentally tasking but still remembering those Golden Words that everything happens for our good and the happening which hurts us more does us more good than ever.We just need to let life follow its pace,then everything will gradually fall in place and if we are satisfied with ourselves thenwhy to worry what people think coz they can never understand our worth as the saying goes bander kya jaane adrak ka swad.

9/3.11

I don’t have a Godfather but you know God is my Father